Testimonies...

Scott Donaldson

My life has changed. I am not the person I used to be, nor do I ever want to be again. For me to truly share my journey with you, I need to allow you the opportunity to visualize who I was and where I have come from, and most importantly how I got here.

I grew up in a family of 10 misfits who were raised by a loving but highly unprepared single mother. She did the best she knew how. She suffered illnesses, which had left her with the challenge of raising us hoodlums from a wheelchair, and with no more than a welfare budget. My Father on the other hand was a practicing alcoholic who worked at a plant in Ottawa. They were divorced.

Word was that he was very abusive, although I cannot recall any incidents. This however may be explained by the fact that he lived in the same home as I, until I was age five and do not ever remember him in our house. Now that may not seem very odd but my brother who was nine when Dad left, also suffers from what I believe to be “protective” amnesia. He too cannot recall Dad being in the house. I understand now that God gives us a protective ability to block out some of the hard things in our lives, until we are able to deal with them.

We grew up in a housing project in Ottawa in the sixties. Both drugs and alcohol were quite prevalent in our community. Two of my three older brothers were involved in the street life, from dealing to street fighting and criminal activities. My mother did the best she could, however the way I see it now, she did only what she believed to be right. She encouraged us boys to become “street smart”, while she threw her efforts into watching over her girls.

She was known as “Maw” in our project and was the local mom for many. She had an open door for all the addicts of the day and I believe she truly believed they behaved while hiding out in our basement. I on the other hand knew better, as this basement was also my bedroom and I was surrounded by my brothers' friends as they experimented with heroin and speed.

Now I can tell you I was not impressed by their lifestyle and I can honestly tell you I consciously made a decision to not be like them when I grew up. I saw myself as having a “white hat” and living in a world of “black hats”. Maybe this is was just a reflection of my love for westerns on TV, but I clearly remember thinking that there was no way I was going to be a druggie. I had a belief in God, and I know the Bible says God has put a longing in my heart to know Him, but there was no role model or Christian influence around at all.

That all changed, or I wouldn't be sharing this story with you. At age eleven or twelve, I was introduced to a man from Church who had taken an interest in me and I looked to him as the father figure I so desperately wanted. I put my trust in him and was betrayed. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

This incident changed me. I reacted as most do, ran from my pain and within days began using drugs and alcohol. This was when I stopped maturing emotionally. That is what happens when we turn away from our problems and hide from them in a world of self-medication.

It didn't take long for me to begin daily use and resort to dealing to pay for my addiction. I was completely absorbed in the culture by age fourteen or fifteen.

Not long after that I began to live a life full of false pride, believing I was invincible. I was a Donaldson brother and in my neighborhood that meant I had a reputation to live up to and I can assure you I made every attempt to be a better fighter, dealer, and build a reputation of my own.

Well I think you get the picture. I would rather not have shared any of that with you. From that point on my addition progressed. I saw myself move from bouncing job to bouncing job, city to city, and even “levels” if you will, of friends. Eventually I married the coat check girl at the bar and we had a baby girl. Our marriage lasted 5 weeks officially although we were together for a few years before that. Our relationship ended and I lost contact with my daughter. Her mom ran off to Scotland and I was separated from my daughter for years. This separation was more painful then anything I had ever been through . Like most addicts I used this pain to justify my actions as I plummeted into a miserable dark life.

My childhood friends didn't want me around anymore as I was to quick to fly off the handle. I made other friends and the same thing happened, till eventually I was twenty-seven years old and living in my sister's basement with nothing to my name.

I never owned a car, nor had a license, and I never held a job for more than a few years. I wasn't suicidal, although I can tell you I was lifeless and could not have cared if I died. I would walk across the street and stare your car down. Nothing mattered.

At this point I was addicted to cocaine and spent the last part of my using in a blur. One night I was with a guy I met on the streets and we were using. Now, I always had this image from my Mom's basement of the junkie and believe it or not I refused to ever allow my self to stoop so low as to use a needle. That night I did. I had hit bottom . I realized I had a death wish and I picked myself up and ran out of the house, and into this mean Ottawa blizzard. I ran about a mile to my sisters and when I walked in the door I broke down I told her I need help.

What I have not shared with you yet is that I had always maintained my belief in God from childhood. I said the Lord's Prayer every night that I went to bed without passing out. It was the Church I was angry with, and Christians, not God. I hated everything they represented. Ironically my brother Craig had become a born again Christian and that is whom I called for help.

He took me to a Hospital and I had this conversation with a psychologist about how I needed help to deal with the anger caused by my separation from my daughter Kristy. and she told me I needed to get clean first. I thought she was nuts. I didn't see my using as a problem. I was using because I was hurt – that's all. Denial at it's best.

After a few days I remembered she told me there was a “farm” I could go to, to get cleaned up. I went back to the hospital and met with this Doctor and told him he has to send me to the “farm”. I remember his wide smile, and what seemed to be suppressed laughter, and he agreed I should go there. You see in my mind I was going to a farm somewhere where I would have no access to drugs or alcohol, and I would work my daily chores. Little did I know that the “farm” was a treatment center, and the work I would do there would be grueling compared to farm chores.

My journey for the next three years would take me though three different treatment centers, all of which I would not “graduate” from. I was thrown out of one for my anger issues and was told by my counselors at the others I would be going out to use within days. I thought they were nuts. Truth is they were right each time.

On a positive note I kept trying for sobriety for a while and did my ninety meetings in ninety days at AA and followed most of what was being shared with me. I didn't know the reason at the time, but I kept going out and using again and again even after months of sobriety.

Eventually I was back using and back living in the same basement I was in when I called out for help years before. I was becoming desperate in my use. I would stay up all night hoarding my drugs and sleeping all day. I had no network of friends and I didn't care. My thoughts were on using every waking hour. How will I get drugs and when will I get drugs. I was hurting so bad that I envisioned picking up the TV and throwing it out the window. That way the police would come and see I needed help and force me to shape up. There were times I did as Bill Wilson, one of the founders of AA, did and stood looking out the window at the “normal” people heading off to work in the morning. I would stand there literally in tears.

So puzzled at how they did what they did. What was the secret?

One night I was waiting by the phone for my dealer to call and it rang. On the other end was an old friend's little sister. He had roomed with me a few years back after his release from prison. We did a lot of drugs together before he landed himself back in prison. When he got out he was born again. A Jesus freak I called him and I pushed him away. Well, Catherine invited me to a Bible Group with them. To this day I don't know how they found me, but my response was quick. I swore at her, and told her never to call back, and in the same breath asked – Where is it? She told me where the meeting was and I hung up and had my boots on and was heading out the door minutes later.

It was another bad winter night in Ottawa and I went to meet the Sunday evening bus. Buses don't run more than once an hour on Sundays, but this night as I arrived at the bus stop my bus pulled up. My connection at the mall down the road was also surprisingly a bus-to-bus thing and within 20 minutes of that call I was downtown and looking in the windows of that Church.

Inside I could see all the happy people setting up chairs and I would then run across the street to the phone booth and call my dealer who was not home yet. I repeated this a few times, until one time when I was seen peeking in the window (I was caught) by one of the people inside. I felt I should go inside and explain myself before someone flipped out and called the cops.

I really did not know how much of a spiritual battle was going on inside of me. The Devil wanted me back at the phone and God wanted me inside. I look back at it now amazed. At the door a greeter met me and I instantly broke down crying. I understood it finally. I knew why I was there, and I was scared. He introduced me to the Pastor of this street ministry and on his invitation I went in and took a seat.

I chose a seat over to the left hand side and behind a black guy with very happy feet as I recall. This was a Pentecostal street ministry and this guy sure loved to live it up. Below me as I sat through the worship, was a puddle of tears. I barely moved.

The Church filled up and about forty people attended. When Brian and Catherine came in they didn't even see me as they sat near the back on the right. Brian however was called up front to give his testimony and he noticed me from there.

After his testimony and a few words from the Pastor they gave an invitation to anyone who wanted to, to come up front and except Christ into their hearts. Brian came and sat with me for a few moments and I turned to him and asked him to come up front with me. I was so scared. Terrified to be exact, as I really believed this was my last chance. What if this “Christ” thing doesn't work? I honestly remember thinking if it didn't I would surely die. There would be nothing left for me to turn to. I had tried everything.

Up front the Pastor lead me through the sinners prayer and I confessed my belief in Christ that He had died on the cross for me, and asked Him into my heart! Instantly, and I mean instantly I felt the tears turn to a smile so wide it hurt. My first thought as a Christian was – I don't hate my ex wife for taking my daughter. I was a mess. I wasn't fit to father anyone – maybe it wasn't her – maybe it was God! What a freeing revelation!

The very next morning I woke up in my sister's basement and saw two sisters rolling a joint. I didn't want any. Truth is I have never craved since. I know this does not happen this way for many but for me this is exactly what happened. I did have what I call moments where I would think, hmm….this movie would be good high, but quickly God would restore me to sanity. Those moments subsided over the years and I cannot recall the last time I had one.

My life was changing so fast. I took a volunteer position at the Shepherd's of Good Hope in downtown Ottawa, which eventually led to a staff position. It was at the Shepherd's that I grew in ways I never imagined. I was becoming the man God had always wanted me to be. It was a slow process, but I could even see and feel myself mature emotionally.

My friendship with Brain continued and together we visited Christian coffee houses and shared our excitement of how God was working in our lives. He worked blocks away at the Mission and I stayed at the Shepherd's.

In God's wonderful timing I was even put into a position of being reintroduced to my pain of the childhood abuse after meeting an acquaintance of Brian's. My support network was huge and very quickly I found myself in an abuse center in Kansas with fourteen others. What is really interesting is that I was the only male. This was a very precarious position to be in. Soon they started seeing me as another victim working through pain, and not the enemy.

God kept working on me and I became very involved in a detox center and even ventured into starting an AA meeting, which is still active today, called Hope Group.

My journey at the Shepherd's was coming to an end as I had stopped being able to disassociate with the clients struggles and was emotionally at risk if I continued to stay there. This coincided with my growing self esteem and desire for further education. To help make things clearer even more, I had reconnected with the most beautiful girl I ever knew and was looking towards possibly building a future together.

I went to an Adult High School and completed my grade twelve. Very shortly after that I attended a 26-week computer course, where one of the fellow students approached me about overseeing a cottage setting for underprivileged families.

That summer of 1996 was one of the best of my life. I had no job waiting for me at the end of the summer and I had only begun to think about what I might like to take as a university course, but I was deeply in love and had a ring hidden to propose to Jan at summers end. I was truly trusting God like I had never done before.

For about 2 years I had been praying that God would put one person in my life who would see my potential and give me a break. That summer I met that person who happened to be vacationing on the lake I was working at. He pursued me as an employee at a plant in Windsor.

This opportunity seemed like a no brainier as I had nothing on my plate and I could take six months to try it out at no risk. I proposed to Jan on August 31, and we were married on September 20 th . On October 1 st I was working in Windsor while she remained in Ottawa at her work for six more months. God was so good to me as I quickly moved from a general labour position to management within my first year and a half with the company.

He blessed us with two wonderful gifts in Allison and Aidan. He has given me the life I always dreamed of, and once viewed from a window while in tears. I have an incredibly loving and supportive wife, two healthy children who fill my heart with joy daily, a home instead of a couch in someone else's basement, the ability to support my whole family while Jan attends our children's needs, and two vehicles where only a short time ago there was not even a license to drive. Even more importantly He has given me hope!

Life today has its problems. I have witnessed three family members lose their lives to drugs and alcohol. One cousin committed suicide through an overdose. Her daughter also lost her life to accidental overdose. My Father passed away from an alcohol related causes. Over the past summer, one sister was hospitalized from an attempted suicide, and my brother, the brother I turned to for help, has talked suicide. Both are Christians who are hurting. There is another sister who has been brought back to life in the emergency room from an overdose. I hate drugs.

My friend Brian lived as perfect a Christian life, as we all would want. He gave of himself in a Christ-like way daily for about 10 years. One day, what I believe to be caused by some unfinished business, he went back out to the darkness of the drug culture and he never returned. Catherine told me he was using for only three days when an overdose took his life.

Life is not easy. We all need to recognize that, and I believe we all need to celebrate the things God has given us, especially for a changed life. My life changes daily it seems and I have never felt closer to Him then I feel today. That is because I have just recently learnt that this life is not about me. It is abut Him and He made me for His glory not mine. He has a plan and I am very excited about discovering what He has in store for me next.

His plan for me today involves my most recent adventure of being part of the Celebrate Recovery Leadership Team at Lakeshore St. Andrew’s Church in Tecumseh, Ontario. Through my involvement in leadership and as a participant in the Celebrate Recovery program I am learning daily how the program moves me closer in relationship with my Higher Power - Christ. I have discovered a new perspective on recovery - Celebration! It used to be so easy for me to get bogged down in the recovery mode and look only at what I have not or my suffering, but at Celebrate Recovery I am encouraged to see God move me in directions I would not have imagined.

Over the first four months at Celebrate Recovery my life has changed even more! Not only is my relationship with Christ stronger then ever, the program has affected my marriage, friendships, and my approach to recovery. I am seeing how God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things in my life. He is building a family of supportive and accountable partners all around me and I am encouraged by seeing life change in others as well.

Celebrate Recovery is where I belong. I would love to welcome you to come along and enjoy what a life of celebrative recovery is all about.